The Seven Deadly Sinners

A Dinner Party in the Andromeda Galaxy

Dinner parties hosted in the Andromeda Galaxy are very different than those on Earth. If you are invited to an Andromedian dinner party, be prepared to mingle with garrulous silverware and rambunctious kitchen utensils.

You might find yourself seated next to a Fork. Forks like to come across as very alluring and seductive, but make no mistake, their only interest is to divert your attention so they may steal the roasted aspargus off your plate while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

You might also find yourself seated next to a Spoon. Spoons are a bit aloof, but if you indulge them with the gossip of the day, you can be assured of an engaging conversation.

Knives show up occasionally, but never linger too long at the dinner table. Since they are amphibious creatures, Knives prefer to confine themselves to the backyard pool and often spike the pool water with large quantities of Cosmic Vodka. They often become loud, rowdy and ribald as the night wears on, and will attempt to grope any Spoon that comes near them.

Jebus Skywalker

This is a quickie editorial scribble for a story that ran in the Anchorage Press about the fabulous Christian Identity cult run by a cowpoke/Star Wars nerd from Colorado.

Some of his buds were up in the snowy climbs of Alaska performing their secret purification rites on a few of the public buildings that have been deemed "temples of the profane" (pouring vials of an olive oil-based mixture on the cornerstones). They don't like Jews, Blacks, Masons, Liberals or Darth Vadar.

Kraftwerkian Anthropometry

Found amongst the papers of Bonni Reid's dad, who was a mechanical engineer, were these compelling human engineering "selectors" called Humanscale. It even sounds like a Kraftwerk song. We are the Humanscale - doop-doo-doo-beep.

We found two packs of them in an array of eye-catching colours on these really mod thickly coated plastic sheaves. The fine print dates them at 1981, design by Henry Dreyfuss Associates.

From the Humanscale manual: In the early thirties, industrial designers started improving the appearance of mass-produced items to increase sales and raise the image of their clients. Industrial design soon became a profession dedicated to incorporating usefulness, comfort, safety, easy maitenance, low cost, sales appeal, and pleasing appearance in a finished product. To obtain this goal, designers collected and used human engineering data from books, journals, and pamphlets. When human engineering could not provide the information they sought, they had to consult specialists in various fields. Now Humanscale is available to provide answers to many of their questions.

Not only that - I think they're suitable for framing. Doop-doo-doo-beep.

I Love Coffee!!!

Things look prettier in the Press Pot!

Malocchio

After a run of bad luck, with shifty auto mechanics or greedy landlords or blackjack dealers from hell, it becomes easier to believe in curses, hexes, jinxes, voodoo, or the Malocchio, or Evil Eye. Over-confident creatures of the modern age, with our cell phones and lattes, we scoff at such Old World superstition, but set your heel on the icey sidewalk of fate and you suddenly feel the possibility of what grandma believed in.  If only you could remember the secret signs. The baby here is clothed in a christening gown, and protected from the ill winds of bad luck. Here is Malocchio, the Evil Eye, currently hanging at La Luz de Jesus.

Hit Parader

This one is my homage to all those scenes in old movies where the one wall is decorated with caricatures of people that look like they're famous, but ya just can't recognize anybody. I always figure that they're maybe "regional society types" from a certain period of time in a certain place, now lost to the ages.

Also, it's kind of an homage to the classic down'n'out David Goodis characters who were maybe somebodies at one point, but are now just washed-up drinky crows at the mercy of big, bossy, boozy dames that would snap their spines if they got out of line.

Freak Kitten of the week

In the latest "weird kitten births" news, a cat in Tunisia has apparently given birth to a kitten that looks like a mouse.

"The owner says the nose, mouth and ears look like that of a mouse, but the rest of the body is that of a cat."

There's film of what looks like...a gerbilly thing, (nothing at all like a kitten) in with a cuddle pile of baby felines. I guess it's all well and good, until someone gets hungry.

(via Neatorama)

My Poo Runs Warm

A couple shots from the recent opening of My Ink Runs Cold in Chicago - not shown: snowstorm, frat-boys, and rage.

Caption by Mark Zingarelli:

Nervous artist Rod Filbrandt has just shit his pants moments before the art
show opens and fellow artist Mark Z is trying to pretend he's on a beach
in Aruba...find the happy place, Mark, just find the happy place.

Dave van Alphen, gallery owner, stands nearby high on crank...the only way
he can make it through these openings with a smile on his face.

Erin Go Haw!

Which Woman Do You See?

I was over at Gallery of the Absurd, reading the comments on 14’s portrait of Brad Pitt titled “Angelina Jolie's Subservient Pull Toy”.

What. On. Earth. ?!

162 comments at last count; “this sick, twisted Bermuda Triangle”, as Jennifer Aniston called it, has evolved from the romantic foibles of 3 pretty people who are paid to lie for a living, to a reflection of Woman in the 21st Century. Posts range from well thought out musings on the nature of marriage, career and parenthood to over-the-top nutty rants, insults, and arguments written by people who wouldn’t know a sane thought if it came up, bit ‘em on the ass, and then rubbed alcohol on the bite afterwards. And oh…the spelling!

Here for your amusement are just a few of the differing views of Brangelinaniston:

Brad Pitt: "the Barbie Doll from Hell", a puppet, sexiest and most handsome man alive, morphs into everybody that he has ever dated, cares about children and the sanctity of family, a snake charmer, a lemming, dumped his wife and took up with someone who breaks up families, and totally reeks of DADDY STINK.

Angelina Jolie: an impregnated ice queen, professional Other-Woman, a very good and decent person, mentally unstable, suicidal, indulging in incestuous affairs with her brother, loves kids but her men are disposable, a solid person who cares a lot about those less fortunate than her, the victim, a horrible woman.

Jennifer Anniston: overaged little girl next door, the female equivalent to Tom Cruise, the Poster child for Neediness and selfishness, dreadfully insecure, ordinary-looking, chose her career over her husband, down to earth, genuinely kind, real like us with her many flaws, an empty shell of a woman obsessed with her hair, tan, diet, botox and that next cigarette high.

Wow. Ok.

I guess it all comes down to how you see yourself reflected in these women (most of the men posting seem to be saying “I’ll be Angelina’s pull toy any day. Go Brad!”). Apparently if you are under 40 or not a mother, you are immature and therefore on Team Anniston. If you are over 40 and a mother, it’s Team Jolie.

Yeah, I don’t get it either. Women are weird.